Dear Richard Madeley: Should I come out to my dying father?

I’ve been in a civil partnership for many years, but I’ve never told him. Is it too late?

My relationship with my elderly father has been awkward and distant since he remarried in the 1990s. I was in my 20s at the time, and had just started a family with my husband. Part of the problem is my stepmother, who made it clear that she didn’t like my two children staying with them in case they broke her ceramics and lamps (which she wrapped in towels and put on top of the wardrobe when they did stay). But a bigger problem is my father’s “anti-woke” views. Ten years ago my marriage ended and I began a lesbian relationship; I’m still with the lady in question and indeed we celebrated our civil partnership with friends – but no family – last summer.
My father has cancer and the prognosis is not great. We speak regularly and I visit every few months. I love him and I’d like to be together with him in a truthful way while that’s still possible. But I’m afraid. Should I come out to him or have I left it too late?
— V, Essex
I have quite a lot of gay friends, and over the years I’ve learned that, while the process of coming out is always a profoundly individual experience, a common theme is the difficulty of telling parents the truth about one’s sexuality.
But here’s the thing, V. In many, many cases, to the intense surprise of the son or daughter, the parents already know. Or at the very least, they’ve long suspected the truth of things. The other common theme is unexpected acceptance. Fears that parents will react badly frequently turn out to be groundless. Even if acceptance isn’t offered on the spot, it often follows soon afterwards, after a brief period of adjustment.
Now, of course there are occasions when it’s not like that, and there’s a strong negative reaction. All I can tell you is that, purely in my observed experience, acceptance – even relief that the truth is at last being openly discussed – is much the more common response.
You say your father is “anti-woke”, but that’s not the same as being homophobic, is it? And I suspect if he were you’d have said so, because I’d need to know that in order to help you.
So: should you come out to your father? Only you can decide that, but I can advise you firmly on one thing: make your mind up soon, while your father is still (comparatively) strong and well.
One more thing, V. Parents just want their children to be happy and content. It’s a fundamental desire. If your father can see that your choice of partner makes you happy, the chances are he’ll give you his blessing. And if he doesn’t? Well, that’s his choice. At least you tried.
You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.